YooChun was right for once...

I decided to look DBSK up on YouTube, so I could see something... and I found, about a million and one of these...

So... for my birthday... I went out and got a Kitten. From Junnie-ah.

He's white, and fluffy, and I took a picture on my camera of him. His name is...  BaeShin Which translates to... Insperation belief.

There, he's smaller, like you wanted. And I remember you said I could get a kitten Jae!

Happy birthday to me!

I don't feel any differnt, I'm just a year older. Which is fine!

Junnie spoiled me on Valentines Day, and wants to spoil me today too... I feel so guilty, I never get to spoil him the way he spoils me.

By the way, Jang, thank you for taking the puppy... since Jae said we couldn't keep it. But, we're getting a little kitten soon, hopefully.  I want either a white or a black one... who knows at this point!

Wow... it feels, just the same. I got a really nice call from my family this morning, wishing me a good day. It was nice, my Mom said that she's sorry she couldn't bring me a cake or anything. Which is okay, I don't NEED a cake. Junnie is taking me to Italian for dinner.

Oh well... Happy Birthday to me!

Things are... hard.

I love you, you know that. You're like  a brother to me. I just... don't like that you hurt him. When I had cared about him for so long... so very long. To watch him fall for you, hurt. It hurt worse then I care or even can describe.   It was hard, but I knew you would take care of him, wouldn't hurt him the way that others had, and were going to do. I trusted you, even if you didn't know that I was doing so.

Then, you broke up, and he got upset, and hurt and worried. YunHo was there to make him feel better. And I wanted to make him feel better too, so one day we went to a cafe, something he said reminded me of his home town. And I felt like he had shared a bit of himself with me. I was happy, but nervous about why he would have done something like that. He told me he cared about me, wanted to see if we had something more. I don't think I've ever been more nervous or excited in my whole life.

He kissed me and my world spun. I couldn't help it though, I was worried I was your rebound, I wasn't as good as you were. That thought scared me. I was afraid that I meant not as much to him as you did, that I never would. Ever. Things happen, the situation changes, and you realize that you want him back, so he comes back, and I loose the one person I love. I'm afraid of that thought, that idea.

I'm afraid that I won't be good enough. That he come to realize that I'm not you, and that... things will happen between everyone and we'll end up as before. YunHo in love with Jae, YooChun and JunSu stealing kisses on the beach, and my heartbreaking as I watch it all unfold.

Normally, logic and sense can fix things in my mind... I'm the philospher, the one who thinks everything through, and can work it all out logically. Love, however, isn't logical, I can't just... think about it and have it happen. That's the thought that scares me, is that I just can't think and make it all better.  

Randomly... I moved into JunSu apartment, just until we get back into the huge apartment for all of DBSK.

Wow...

I finally finished up all my exams. It's a great feeling to be done with some of them, even if they're not finals or anything, it's still nice to be able to have all those tests over with! Especially because that means I am supposed to have more time with my boyfriend... right?

Wrong. Things have been just as crazy. We had to put off the moving date, for some reason, no one really told me, so... pracitcally half my apartment was packed up, the rest, like the furniture and stuff, just came with the apartment. I'm almost tempted to just... unpack everything, but it seems to pointless because I know we're still going to move in at some point. So, everytime I need something, I have to dig through a bunch of boxes. I have everything pretty much organized, all my books in a box, and my CD's in a box... I'm bringing my stero as well, I was just going to bring it home, but...

I figured Junnie-ah would like a CD player in our room that we're sharing. I was also thinking about buying him a TV, so he can set up DDR in the room, but I decided against it. Unlike him, I still need to sleep at night, and I don't want to wake up at 3 AM to hear, "You're doing awesome!" and the repeat of butterfly over and over. So, he can leave that out in the living room. He can wake the rest of you up...

I wonder how big our new apartment is... bigger then our old one? I almost can't wait to move back in with everyone. We all would have a lot of fun together, and I miss Jae's cooking. I'm not a bad cook myself, but still... he's always been amazing at it. And YunHo and JunSu yelling at the soccer games, often rooting for different teams, while YooChun just rolled his eys at them and laughed. We're all such a huge, happy family, that I wonder what drove us to live apart in the first place?

I guess it's cause Joongie-ah and Yunnie-ah wanted there privacy, which I was more then happy to give them, but it has to be a bit akward, I suppose. YooChun and JunSu weren't together yet... I don't think, but we all saw it was going to happen. Though, I never imagined they would break up, and I would start dating JunSu... Who I've had a crush on for awhile... now that I can admit that. And... I always was complaining about never having a quiet place to study, or sleep.

I hope that doesn't happen this time, I really don't like living alone. I get sad and kinda lonely at night. Though, I guess I'm not always alone at night anymore.

If the apartment is big enough, we can all give one another space. Yunnie-ah and Joongie-ah will sleep together, and hopefully be far enough away to not annoy YooChun. And, Junnie-ah and I will sleep together and hopefully do that very same thing. And hopefull, Chunnie-ah's room is far enough away that if Seo come's over... we won't get annoyed either. And if we're all far enough apart, then I'll have my quiet place to study, while Jae cooks, Yunnie and Junnie yell at the TV, and YooChun can do... well, whatever he decides to do. It'll be like things used to be, kinda.

I just realized I made Jae sound like a housewife... Sorry Joongie-ah! But, I guess that makes Yunnie-ah the over protective father, JunSu the protective, loving and caring big brother and YooChun the bulling older brother, who loves you, but isn't big on showing it. What does that make me? The baby of the family?

Sorry for my long rant everyone... I guess I had a lot more on my mind then I thought. Which is why I like this journal so very much. I can talk about anything in it, and just let myself go. It helps me work things out for myself.

Hopefully, I'll see JunSu very, very soon. Because I miss him, a lot. It's been... 3 days since I've last seen him... So, hopefully I'll be able to see him now, when things aren't nearly as crazy as they have been.

Oh, and Junnie-ah? Did you check under your bed for you missing mat or the closet nearest your TV? I think I saw it under/in there the last time I saw you. But, that was so long ago I wouldn't know. Just check? It was one or the other...

Maybe Yunnie-ah was right...

Maybe someone would fall in love with me... though, I don't know if it's love just yet, or just a very large crush, but... still...

Maybe it is possible?

Wow... yesterday was such a crazy day...

I got up and I looked at my clock, realizing I was running a bit late for practice! It's a good thing I live close or I would have never made it on time. I decided to bring my school work along, because I have some pretty big exams coming up, and I thought it would be best to take it, so if we got a break I could work on it. We danced, and I worked on some of my math while we took a few breaks.

Then, after we ended that, still running just a bit late, I had to rush to my voice lessons. Those were close to, so I was only a couple minutes late. I sang, and I sang, we never stopped to take a break, so I didn't even notice that my school bag was missing until after the lesson was over.

Then, I had to go back to the studio, cause I knew that was where I had to have left it, and saw Yunho working on some paperwork. We stopped and talked for a little bit, about love and how much working wasn't fun. Before I returned home, made myself dinner, and started to work on my english.

I take my exams soon! Wish me luck!

ChangMin